What do porn, eggs and sprite have in common?

So today is the big day.  Well one of many perhaps.  Today was the day that my wife had to have her eggs aspirated.  We arrived at the Doctors office at 7:45am for our procedure.  Now I have been to many doctors offices in my time, but I have to tell you, this place was run like a well oiled machine.  The second we walked in, they had paperwork for us to sign, had a room for us to wait in and had nurse after nurse come in asking questions.  The setup is basically this:

1) The take wifey into a room and have her undress, everything comes off, no jewelry, nothing
2) They bring her back to her bed and give her an IV and start a saline drip
3) They hook up every machine that beeps, bings, and makes noises to her to check her heart, temperature, whether she gets DirectTv, etc.
4) They wheel her away to the OR where they put her out, aspirate the egg and bring her to recovery
5) They have me go to a room and produce my sample
6) I meet her back in recovery and wait for the drugs to wear off and take her home.

So wifey gets undressed and I fill out paperwork, answer questions, etc.  She comes back and has everything off but her bra.  The make nurse scolds her.  Bad wifey, bad!  The only reason she kept it on is because with all the meds, her breasts are super duper tender and it hurts to have the material of the gown on them.  She comes back and lays back down.

10,000 questions and forms later they are ready to walk her to the OR.  I am told to wait in the lobby and follow orders, like a good soldier.  About 30 minutes later somebody comes out and gets me, leads me to the room to jerkoff and leave my deposit.  This room is always a little creepy.  I mean, you know about 500 guys have masturbated in there, and they have porn playing on the TV, nude magazines, etc.  It is uncomfortable because the nurse is a woman, so you know she is like, hmmm, wonder what porno this dude is into.  To make matters worse, I brought a bookbag with me with my laptop and other things so I could do work while I waited for my wife.  They probably thought I brought my own sick porn with me.  Then of course when you are done depositing the sample you wonder if you should just ring the bell to come out, or wait like 10 minutes to make it seem like it took you a long time.  I split the difference and waited 5 minutes after I was done.  I wanted to see how the porno ended.  Did she actually pay for the pizza?

I go back to the waiting room and wait, watching a little morning TV.  The Dr comes out and greets me, tells me she is out of surgery, and he got 19 eggs.  19.  Holy shit!  That sounds amazing.  I am ready to enter the Guiness book of records, until he tells me the record at their clinic is in the 50+ range.  Damn!  It isn’t the quantity it is the quality right?  But still 19 eggs is freaking amazing!  They lead me back to see my wife who is knocked out.

This is the fun time when all she says is jumbled jargon and you can tease her and she’ll never know, or at least she won’t remember.  She wasn’t out too long, maybe 20 minutes and she started to come around.  She was feeling pretty good, but the nurse wanted her to go pee before he could let her go.  I guess they need to make sure you can pass the liquid saline before they let you go.  Well she is in the bathroom for 10 minutes and it just aint happening.  She tried all the tricks, but she didn’t get so much as a drop.

They brought her back into the recovery room and increased her fluids and brought her a can of Sprite.  She hates sprite.  I drank it, yummy!  $13,000 Sprite!  She went through an entire new bag of IV juice until she felt the urge to try again.  Success!  She has never been happier to pee in her life.  It meant we got to go home.  Apparently we were the last people still around and left at 11:45am.

When we got home, she took some Tylenol with Codeine and had a light meal.  She was very happy, alert and had energy.  Just a slight discomfort, similar to menstral cramps, or gas, but nothing she couldn’t take, she is a woman after all, strong pain threshold.  She was feeling so well she sent me back to work.  I took the dogs with me and headed to the office.  Yes we own our own business and the dogs are with us daily.

So far everything seems perfect.  Her eggs were plentiful, they said my specimen was great and tommorow they call us to let us know how things are progressing.  We will either have them put back in Friday or Sunday, depending on how they are doing.  We heard conflicting information.  Some people say you want day 5, the dr office said they have a better success rate with day 3.  We are gunning for twins if possible, but will be thrilled with anything.

More in a few days as we start to get results back in.  Wish us luck!

Tags: eggs, in vitro fertilization, infertility, ivf, mentral, porn, semen, sperm, sprite